


It's harder than I thought

by Moon_borealis



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/F, Mentions of Cancer, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:14:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29475294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moon_borealis/pseuds/Moon_borealis
Summary: This wasn't supposed to happen. She was supposed to retire and they were going to travel the world, spend time together and with family and friends from around the world. Not this.
Relationships: Lin Beifong/Kya II
Comments: 34
Kudos: 73





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I will stop putting Kya through so much soon! I promise I love her, so much.  
> This one came out of a need to process some of my old demons.

"It's harder than I thought it would be".Kya says quietly and the hollow in her voice breaks Lin's heart all over again.   
She gently takes the machine off of Kya's hands, leading her to sit on the nearby stool. It had taken residence in the bathroom since the first time Kya fainted halfway through dressing up on a bad day. 

"Lin. No. I won't have you do it...I. can't...it's..." The water bender buries her face in her hands, ashamed and embarrassed.  
Lin leans down and hugs her wife from behind, delicately kissing her exposed neck.

"I can. It's not too hard for me if I offered to do it. Now sit still before I chop an ear off by accident." 

Kya's laugh is choked up and turns into a quiet sob. Lin holds her tight until Kya regains composure.

"OK, I'm ready" She whispers eventually, squeezing Lin's hands.  
Lin lets go and grabs the electric razor. Kya has already chopped off the length of her hair, but couldn't quite manage to get the back of her head.  
Kya closes her eyes and silent tears fall as Lin dutifully shaves off what is left, smoothing out areas Kya has missed.   
The buzzing stops and she feels Lin brushing off the hair that fell on her shoulders. 

"You're probably going to need a shower to get it all out. But there's tea in the living room for you." The earth bender keeps her voice steady, kind but void of any pity. 

"I, I should clean up" Kya says meekly, attempting to get up.

"I'm on it" Lin retorts immediately, a hand on her wife's shoulder.

"No.." 

"Please darling, let me do this".

"Well, I can never resist you when you call me darling". There is a hint of a smile on the healer's face and Lin takes it as a success. She kisses Kya before nudging her towards the door. 

Kya's eyes catch the mirror and she gasps. She stands in front of it, inspecting her now bald head. Lin gives her space, carefully studying her wife's face, analyzing any subtle change.   
She catches Kya's gaze looking at her, then back at her reflection. Kya's face is a mix of sadness, fear and grief. The earth bender takes the one step separating them, once again hugging her from behind. She kisses the crook of her neck and stays as close as humanely possible. Lin stares right at Kya through the mirror.

"You are just as beautiful as you have been all your life. I get the butterflies now, just as much as I did decades ago on Ember Island, and the day we got married...and I forever will. Because I love you Kya. Nothing will ever change that. Not this, not anything else. And I am not going anywhere. I am and will remain right here, with you. Where I belong". 

Lin keeps her gaze to Kya, trying to convey all the love and strength she had for her wife.   
It must have worked, because Kya nods faintly. 

"I think I need to lay down, before I shower." Lin kisses her cheek before letting go.

"You sure you don't mind?" Kya asks again, turning back; pointing at her hair scattered all over the bathroom floor. 

"I'm sure. Now go"

"Yes chief". Kya says meekly, before leaving the room. 

Lin waits until she hears the door close to loose composure. She swallows back her sobs regardless, not wanting Kya to hear. It wasn't the time. A hand against her mouth and the other gripping the counter, she closes her eyes and concentrates on her breathing. 

This wasn't supposed to happen. She was supposed to retire and they were going to travel the world, spend time together and with family and friends from around the world. No. Lin took a deep breath in, counted to three and released. This was all going to happen anyway. Just a little later. She had to keep it together. For Kya. 

Three more rounds of chemotherapy and then they would travel south to be with Katara for a month of healing session, followed by a trip to the Northern water tribe with the 3 of them. There, Katara would do a healing session with Kya inside the sacred pond of Tui and La under the watchful Yue. 

They had a plan and it was going to work. They just had to hang on tight and stay strong.   
Cancer this aggressive were rare. It came seemingly out of nowhere. A powerful healing session seemed to have taken care of it, but it came back with a vengeance a few months later. But this new plan was going to work. Lin refuses to think otherwise.Early retirement hadn't even been a question for her. For a start, she wouldn't have been able to focus on work the way she used to. Everyone would be at risk. And she knew her job stressed Kya out, something she definitely didn't need. Lin had done her duty as a chief of police for enough years. Now, it was time to be there for her family, Kya.  
She swallows one last sob and looks up at herself in the mirror.

"Let's do this, Beifong". Lin grabs the scissors and cut her braided hair - it's barely long enough , but she will donate for wigs to be made for people in need.  
She takes a deep breath and starts shaving the rest of her head. The concentration prevents her to be overwhelmed by emotions and she quickly finishes. She turns around and started cleaning the pool of grey and white hair scattered around the room.   
It takes some effort, but when she is done, she sets on drawing a bath, using all the scented candles and bubblebath she doesn't particularly care for, but knows Kya enjoys. 

*

"Kya, Kya sweetheart there's a bath waiting for you" she whispers, sitting on the coffee table and putting a hand on a sleeping Kya. 

Her wife stirs, and she gasps upon opening her eyes. 

"Lin! What have you...what?why?" She brings a hand to the closely shaved head.

Lin shrugs and smiles at her. 

"What, you think you're the only one who's gonna turn heads, rocking the buzz cut?" She says softly. 

They are both crying as Kya launches herself to hug Lin as tight as she can. 

"Come on, let's take that bath" Lin eventually says, keeping Kya close and carrying her back to the bathroom. Yes, everything would be alright because there was no other way.   



	2. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Not long now, my love” She said out loud, to herself and the skies and the wind, hoping to send the words all the way to her beloved wife.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading the first chapter.  
> I feel like I owe you to tell you that I lost my mother to breast cancer 10 years ago and so if the emotions feel raw, it's because some aspects are. I initially wrote the first chapter as a stand alone. It's something that happened to me and I needed to exteriorize it...But I really thank you for the response I've gotten and I tell you one thing for this epilogue : 
> 
> Trust me.

Lin shuddered as the ocean breeze swept through. The water was calm, peaceful and she felt the quiet strength transfer through her.  
She looked up to the skies and would have mourned Yue’s absence, only the clear night meant she could navigate the boat with the stars, the way Kya had taught her. 

Her heart constricted, the way it always did when she thought of Kya. 

“Not long now, my love” She said out loud, to herself and the skies and the wind, hoping to send the words all the way to her beloved wife. 

Lin had left the east coast of the Fire Nation earlier that day, and should the wind stay in her favour, she was expecting to see the city lights of the capital of the United Republic of Nations by early morning. 

The Fire Nation had been her last stop, on her solo travel. She had promised Kya, or more so, Kya had made her promise that she would do it. That she would take Kya’s sailing boat. The same one she herself took on her travels during her youth. The same one that saw her become a woman through her ice dodging. 

“It would be such a waste. Please my love, I want you to see the world, one more time, for the both of us. Will you promise me?” 

And she had agreed because there wasn’t anything she could refuse her wife. Let alone when she was slowly dying in her arms.  
She had fought, Katara had tried to heal her daughter with the fierce desperation of a mother about to lose her child. But ultimately Kya had asked to stop. It was too much, too painful, in vain. 

“Just let me go. Please just let me go.” She had cried, hunched over holding herself. She looked so frail, so small, so ready to be freed of pain. Free of earthly tethered, and ready to enter the void. 

Lin took an hour to herself. She waited for Kya to be settled in bed, as comfortable as possible, asleep. She bundled up and fled into the darkness of the southern night.  
She couldn’t be sure how far she’d ran or for how long. But her lungs burned from the cold and exertion. She reached the cliff, right where Aang’s spirit restored Korra’s bending, so many years ago and Lin falls to her knees, sobbing and crying and letting go of all the emotions she couldn’t, wouldn’t let out in front of Kya. Her screams resonated through the night and a few polar bear dogs joined in her laments. 

Lin is desperate. She looks up at the growing auroras and beg them to take it back, her bending, if it meant Kya could live. To take her instead, or to endebt her in away way she can think of, so that her love can survive and be free of pain. 

She hopes for Aang, Yue, Sokka, anyone to appear and guide her. But nothing and no-one but the cold and sheer realization that there was nothing she could do came to her. 

“No. Not nothing”. 

Lin decided right then and there that there was one thing left she could do and it was to support and love her wife until the end. It was to make her as comfortable as possible and to make sure their well meaning friends and family members would stop, just stop telling Kya, “You just have to stay positive” or “It will be okay”, “You can’t give up now”. Because she could, give up. She felt, at this time, the purest selfless love she had ever felt in her life. She wasn’t prepared for it, nor was she expecting the pain and hurt that all but took her breath away. She was ready to let Kya go, if it meant she wouldn’t suffer anymore. All her love meant nothing, keeping Kya here meant nothing, if the woman had to be in so much pain. 

The snow and ice and grief muffled her senses but she still felt light, tired footsteps behind her. She looked behind her shoulder and saw her mother in law, almost a hundred, standing quietly there. Katara approached her and put a hand on her shoulder. 

“I heard you, Pebble. I’m sorry”. She says simply, always motherly, always kind. 

“You’re sorry? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scream so loud”. She said, she would be embarrassed, if only she didn’t feel so drained. 

“It wasn’t so much that as it was the small earthquake”. 

“The..what? Spirits. I’m sorry”. 

“Don’t be. I’m glad you’re letting it out”. 

“How are you coping?”

Katara sighs heavily and motions for Lin to get up. At minus 40 it doesn’t do any good to stay out for any length of time, and she knows Lin is already suffering from mild hypothermia. The old master hooks her arm to Lin and they slowly make their way back to the village. Behind them, the shape of an airbender once Avatar watches over, unbeknownst to the two. 

“Even at my age, it’s hard. To see my child in so much pain. I never thought I would survive any of them” Katara says when they are back inside her home, drinking warm tea by the fire. 

“Katara I… I think…” 

“We have to let her go” The healer says and Lin looks at her, nodding. 

They hugged and cried and Katara eventually cradled Lin’s face and kissed her forehead. 

“My darling Lin, I know what it’s like, to feel like your heart is being ripped apart of your chest when your soulmate leaves before you. I can’t tell you how grateful I am, that you gave my daughter the purest, truest love there is. And I know with absolute certainty, that you two will never be apart. Just like Aang and I aren’t. I feel him around me, he has never truly left me. When you love like this, the energy is so strong it transcends worlds, have faith Lin.” 

Lin tried to swallow her sobs. Kya is sleeping next door and her sleep is often disturbed by the vile illness that took possession of her body. Katara hugged her tight, rubbing her back and crying herself. Lin eventually composed herself and returned to Kya. The water bender sighed and turned around, wincing to snuggle in close. 

“Hmm, so warm” She mumbled as her ice cold feet made contact with Lin’s fire-warmed calves. The earthbender winced but held Kya as close as possible, inhaling her familiar scent. 

“Where were you?”

“Not far my love, never far.” She said as she kissed Kya’s bald head.  
“Love you” Kya murmurs softly before falling back asleep. 

“I love you too”. Oh if only she knew how much. 

* 

Lin wiped her tears and looked up at the skies, correcting her course slightly. 

“Never too far, my love, Never too far”. She whispered. 

It had taken Lin two years to travel through all the places they had set on visiting. She went through most of the Earth Republic, all of the Air Temple and cried at all four sights. Four temples, rebuilt and lively, once again filled with monks, nuns, acolytes, nomads, and families living their lives in peace and harmony. The way her father in law envisioned and dreamed. Kya had helped rebuild the nation with her brothers, and she felt her wife’s energy through all the sacred temples flowing freely. She swore she heard Kya’s laugh when a custard pie hit Lin in the face as she reached the Southern temple. 

The Fire Nation had been her last stop. She visited a few sights, Kya had written an extensive list of places to see, in the form of a journal with pages left blank for them, ultimately only Lin, to fill with memories. Lin had diligently filled everyone one of them with tickets, pictures, notes, drawing, letters addressed to Kya. She’d promised and she was never one to come back on her words. 

Spending time with Izumi had been nice. The Firelord was on her way to retirement, and preparing the first ever democratic elections in the Fire Nation, with Iroh refusing to carry the flame - pun intended, Lin had said and Izumi laughed fondly, saying

“It’s true then. Kya truly is still with you.” Because puns were Kya’s thing. She was insufferable with them and Lin always pretended to be annoyed by them. 

“It must be” Lin had answered. 

And she left her friend after tearful goodbyes to sail back home.  
Lin had already said her goodbyes to her family and didn’t wish on seeing anyone upon her return. Everyone accepted and respected her wishes, but she was still greeted at the dock by the Avatar. 

“I’m not here to stay” Korra said before Lin could say anything. 

“But this girl insisted and wanted to take you there”. The avatar added, pointing to her companion. 

Lin raised an eyebrow, but a ghost of a smile graced her tired face as she reached out to pet the polar-bear dog. 

“You did now, didn’t you old girl” She said fondly and gave Naga a treat of seal jerky. 

“She’ll take you to the portal and she’ll find her way home. I’m gonna go now. But, I was glad to see you again Lin. Give Kya my love”. 

“You too, old friend. I will”. 

And just like that Lin is riding Naga in the early hours of the morning. The sun had yet to rise above the mountains surrounding Republic City, and the glow of the portal gives the land and ocean a surreal, ethereal glow. 

Lin dismounts as Naga brought her towards the portal and she turned around to pet her one more time. Naga’s paw surprised her as the animal nudged her closer, in a scarily human way. Lin kissed the furry head and let go. 

“Thank you, old friend. Believe it or not, I will miss you”. 

Naga looks at her thoughtfully before looking up and howling deeply. It reminded Lin of her own screams and howls back in the South Pole, when she had decided to let Kya go. 

“Now now old girl, I’m not dying yet, you know. You tell that Avatar of yours to let you go through the portal and you come and visit, yeah?” She said before petting Naga one more time. She recoiled when the beast's tongue licked -and drenched- her face but smiled anyway. 

“That’s better. Now, I have to go”. Naga howled one more time and Lin took a deep breath in. The only baggage with her a heart full of love and a journal filled of traveling entries and stories to prove it. 

“Here we go”. She stepped into the light and was transported into another world.  
Lin felt disoriented as she landed into the Spirit World. She still had her bending but the rules and metaphysics of this reality were different than the human world. She supposed she would eventually adjust, but the overwhelming life underground made her dizzy. The meadow was filled with fireweed- her favourite flowers and the wind carried spirits of various shapes and forms. The breeze was warm and she closed her eyes, inhaling at what was now her world, too.  
A very familiar scent reached her nostrils and her eyes flew open. She gasped, frozen in place. 

After two years. After the agony and the pain and the heartbreak and the loss and the suffering. Here she was. Smiling softly in the middle of the meadow, her long, long hair (her hair!) attached in her customary ponytail. Her face plump and her eyes and smile soft. Free of pain. 

Lin dropped the journal at her feet and ran, ran faster than she ever had in her life and launched herself at Kya. The water bender caught her, laughing, but they still toppled back and fell into the tall grass. Lin held tight, eyes closed, crying. She was afraid of opening her eyes only to wake up alone in what was their home back in Republic City. 

Kya held on to her, kissed her temple and whispered softly in her ear 

“Open your eyes, my love”. 

“I’m afraid”. 

“Don’t be”

“Are you real?”

“Open your eyes”. 

Lin sighed and opened her eyes carefully. Her green gaze was made darker by the tears she shed upon looking at the bluest eyes, most beautiful face she knew so well. It had been so long. So long since she’d looked at her wife and even longer since she looked at her healthy face. 

“Hush now, no more tears” Kya said gently as her thumbs wiped Lin’s tears away. 

“It’s over?”

“It’s not over, we’re just starting” Kya smiled easily as she kissed Lin andthe earthbender lost herself in the feeling of love and belonging.

They eventually got up and Kya picked up the discarded journal. 

“Come my love, and tell me of your travels, for we have an entire new journey ahead in this world”.

“Together?” Lin said tentatively, recovering from the emotional shock of their reunion. 

“Together”. 

Lin held on to Kya’s hand as they walked off into the Spirit World, never to be apart again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... I hope you read til the end and I hope.. I don't know what I hope. But leave me a comment if you feel like it. Thank you all !

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on Tumblr (Moonofthechilcotin)
> 
> Thank you for reading, even if it's sad. I might do an epilogue of this.


End file.
